Tuesday, 13 December 2011

session 14 of therapy

Have a horrid feeling that therapy is coming to an end. I suppose the good thing about this is that I will have to talk about other things on here and there stop boring people to tears. But I just don't feel ready. Yes it has helped enormously. Yes it has helped with depression and the black clouds are few and far apart. But so far it has had so little impact on my own personal feelings of doubt, hatred, self loathing and sense of being oh so conspicuous in some public placed when in fact I would so much rather feel invisible. It is so hard to put into words the feelings that go on in ones mind that I feel a complete idiot and time waster when trying to convey those thoughts to Mr T. Luckily he seems to be a mind reader which helps. Whilst lasts week session seemed the most positive of all, today's was tough tough tough and I can now feel all the emotions in my mind, body, everywhere. The sense of accomplishing nothing is back whereas a few days ago I thought I had come along leaps and bounds. The many highs are still followed by lows which aren't so much a feeling of feeling down in the dumps as just failing everyone who is trying to help. Learning to focus on positives (I can now jog for 5mn and then do exercise as apposed to a couple of months ago when I could only jog for 30sec and then do naff all for 5mn) is getting easier. Until.......... someone somewhere makes a remark that just brings it all back to mind: the uncertainty, the sense of lack of achievement.... And why does the hour of therapy go so flipping fast???? wish I could slow down time because by the time you get going, bam! the hour is over. Don't feel like I am trying as hard as I feel is expected to me. But....... have to carry on, so will carry on going to the fitness classes as often as feasible over the holiday (a lot of wii fit I think with all the bank holidays in December). Just can't afford to fail, can't let Mr GP and Mr T down, so I will conquer this. I will learn to not feel like a social outcast. I will show the health professionals that their faith in me (which I hope they have) is justified.
Plenty to keep myself busy today which is a good thing, and tomorrow is another day. Roll on tomorrow!
Will try my darnedest to keep smiling today. I will not let the depression come back, so conquering my social phobia is crucial in that step. Can't thank everyone enough: friend, family, but most of all the amazing health professionals who work tirelessly to make all us doolally people better.

1 comment:

  1. on a positive note, really looking forward to lunch on Thursday with two fabulous friends, and dinner on Saturday with a whole bunch of fellow frenchies who have all set up camp in the UK for the past few decades :)