http://www.sane.org.uk/home and http://www.samaritans.org/

Had to write about the above websites.
First of all SANE: Finally decided to look at this last week after re-reading a letter I got from NHS confirming appointment with therapist. It is quite amazing to correspond with people who have such similar stories, issues, ways of coping. It is staggering the number of people who also see health professionals, from GPs to psychiatrists, via counsellors and therapists. Can't believe how many out there suffer from low self esteem, self hatred, and self harm in one shape or another. So many are so far down the line that they are considering ending their lives, but because of this website there is a mutual support and mutual understanding of the pain each and everyone is going through. Would never have thought that just one website could have such an impact. Never thought there would be a community out there of like minded people who truly understand how dark the world can seem, who truly understand, because they too have the same gut wrenching feeling, what others are going through
And second of all Samaritans. Equally amazing, and there 24/7 for anyone who wishes to talk to another human being, without the fear of being judged. Sometimes a phone call can be too hard. Sometimes sending an e-mail is easier. And receiving an e-mail back, not just hearing a supportive voice but seeing it in black and white, makes those dark days just that much easier to cope with. You can re-read an e-mail over and over again, and every time it just eases the pain a little bit. Sometimes you feel the need to contact them again, but they still don't judge you, and once again the pain eases off.
And of course on the good days you might wonder "what was I thinking call them? I am fine today". And there might be 2/3 or even 5 good days. Until you get hit on the head again by the ugly demons who take over your life, your way of thinking.
And so you are back on expressing your feelings on those website. but also supporting other. It feels good to respond to other sufferers, and knowing that a positive and understanding response to their suffering might just stop them from self harming or worse makes it so much easier to cope with life. knowing that just a few lines of support to a fellow sufferer might just ease their pain, even for just a few minutes, makes you realise just how important it is to let things out.
It has given me something to aim for: I would like, in 2013, or even 2012, to take part in some charity event for one of those charities. Better start thinking what event to do now :)

Pilates morning?

Boo hoo, was looking forward to boxercise yesterday morning but teacher had called in sick :( how inconsiderate :)  Never mind, did aerobics instead which would have been fine had some miss goody-two-shoes ask "are we using step today?" to which teacher's answer was "I wasn't going to , but yes, good idea let's do step!". Nooooooooooooo I don't like it!!! Ah well, I survived another day.

Going to try pilates again. Tried it once before, a few months ago, giving it another go, see how it goes.

Hoping for another good day today, quite a bit of work to do for the office, and housework etc so day should fly by.

Boring blog today, can't think of much to say, other than I hope that the black clouds that were there last week have not appeared for 2 days so keeping fingers crossed today will be day 3 of sun and sky in my mind.

x

blue sky and sun is out

the sky is a lovely blue, the sun is out, and this is figuratively as well as physically. Looking forward to good lunch in lovely surroundings with family, looking forward to hearing the children laugh and giggle.

So great start to the day, should be a "happy mood" day with not black clouds looming over the horizon.

So I shall try and find the time to do a reflecting exercise I am supposed to do. And find the time to chill, lie on yoga mat and listen to soothing music to stay in this lovely sane, calm, serene, happy place.

Yesterday ended up being black, black black, today should carry on and end blue, sunny, happy

Hope to post more happy posts soon.

I have four children today!

My nephew and niece are over so for 1 day I have to be mum, dad, surrogate mum, surrogate dad :) they are lovely and hearing the giggling going on between all four is amazing. despite the wide age range of the 4 children, from 8 to 15, they seem to get on like a house on fire and are laughing like mad whether it be playing on the wii or pretending to be soldiers.

Chuffed to bits to have distraction today as no therapy today, Mr T being on hols, and no GP for another 5 weeks. Putting into practice what I have learned so far but feel like I have only climbed a small mound of earth but still need to climb Everest. I don't think I can do that in just a few weeks, feel like I still need support from health professionals or I will fail yet again. Still, at least I managed to climb a mound of earth which is better than nothing.

looking forward to tomorrow when brother and sister in law are coming, be nice to catch up.

another week and then I have other therapy session, another 5 weeks and I need to face up to GP. My future depends on them. Scared that GP will think I have progressed well enough to take me off "happy pills" when I know I haven't, when I know I still have a long long way to go. One day I might just like myself.

Here's to the future

amazing website - SANE

just discovered this website http://www.sane.org.uk/support_forum/viewforum.php?f=1.

I think I will be logging on it daily. Depression, anxiety, self harm in one form or another, self hatred... all of these are so wide spread, and the forums seem to provide amazing support.

Anyone who feels down should make this one of their ports of call

when you feel down you can ask for support, and of course you can be compassionate and show understand and support to those others who need a shoulder to cry on.

Give it a try

xx

parents are coming!

Just a couple of hours and Ma and Pa are arriving. Dread is setting in. Not looking forward to their constant berating of each other, their constant arguing, and their numerous attempts at making me take sides. And here I am using the word "constant" despite having been asked not to by Mr T. In fact, I have to keep a record on when they are NOT arguing, or berating each other. I think I will also keep a record of how often they have a dig at me. Probably get a bollockingby therapist for doing this as it is negative, but I need him to realise just how often they give me "looks" when I eat something they think I shouln't be having, how often they "hint" at what a crap housekeeper I am (in their eyes) and tell me what I shouldn't have done! Wonder how long it will take them to say something about my having allowed my daughter to have pierced. so I will bring 2 lists to Mr T: list he asked me for of times when they are civil to each other and list he hasn't asked for of time they slag me off. Wish I could be overjoyed at seeing my parents but I just can't be, and I feel so sad about it because I have friends who no longer have either parent and would give anything to have them back, so I can't help feeling incredibly selfish for not being grateful that they are still around. I do love them to bits but can't help the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I know they are coming.

At least it is holiday time for children so I will enjoy the company of my 2 amazing children. Looking forward to playing games with them and cooking and just been plain silly.

Wondering if I should share the blog link with "SANE" which seems like an amazing charity. I need to find out more about it, and without therapy session this week I might, should the need arise, pluck up the courage and call them if I get too down.

Off to play with kiddies me thinketh.

Tiddly Dee, Tiddly dum, my son has a broken thum :)

My poor boy has managed to break his thumb whilst playing rugby and is now banned from taking part in any sporting activity for a good 3 months, which for a sporty boy is a very long time! Feel really sorry for him, although he is excited at being unable to do Textiles at school lol!

Broken thumb meant two trips to hospital, and he and I had a real bonding time both times while we were waiting for him to be seen, giggled like school children (he is one so that is fine, I am not but that is still fine as we had so much fun), chatted for hours about all and nothing and had a real nice mother-son time despite the pain he was in. And as he is unable to go out and about on his scooter any more for a few months loads more hours of bonding. He is an amazing son and I am looking forward to it.

Focusing on the positive: only 2 days of feeling crap, which was last weekend, but aside from that had a good week. Feel particularly cheerful and full of beans today, been on a high, so I am a happy bunny. I now need to keep this up for another 2 weeks as Mr T. is not there next week so I need to survive 2 weeks with no therapy as opposed to just one week. Still, no rest for the wicked as he has given me even more homework!! Like being back at school really, without the detention thank goodness. New homework includes my toughest challenge yet as it involves dealing with Ma and Pa

My darling argumentative parents are over soon and I have loads to do:
1- make note of when they are NOT arguing and shouting and not slagging each other off. (Mr T will be surprised by how little that happens. I think he set me this task to prove to me that they may not argue as much as I think they do. Be interesting process. I might need to excuse myself every few hours to write in book "3.55 to 4.00 - no arguing". ha ha ha, la la la. we shall see the outcome.
2- when Ma and Pa, separately, use me to let rip about the other one ("your father blah blah blah" "your mother blah blah stupid blah blah") I have to try and speak to them about this and ask them not do this as I find it incredibly hurtful. And I had to give Mr T the likelihood of me plucking up the courage and doing this. Told him only 40% of me doing this. God, I am such a wimp.
3- find other way of rebelling against them, ie other than binge eating. So when they row, or confide in me how annoying the other one is, or have a pop at me about my weight, my children etc.. : instead of going to my room with pre-stashed food and stuffing myself silly or nipping out to shop to get biscuits and other junk food... MUSTN'T DO THIS. .....HOWEVER: I AM ALLOWED TO REBEL!! got to do it in other ways though. And so far I have only agreed one with Mr T and I need to think of others. The only one being lying where I am off to: so if they argue in the morning I can say I am going to tea at friend when in fact I am of to aerobics class. the rebelling being the lying.

Might need friends to have a moan to when Ma and Pa are over. And blogging. oooohhh that's a point, something else to lie to them about: "i have work to do" when in fact I am blogging.

Amazed that Mr T is allowing me to rebel. Thought I would be asked to forgive them etc.. Just show you should never assume things..

Determined to carry on enjoying the coming days, if not I shall go through my therapy note again and again.

It is so nice to have "good days" and feel good and going through more that 1 day of no name calling is amazing.

I love my children to bits, I love my hubby to bits.

for you three I am doing this. For you three I will get myself sorted. For you three I will get a sane mind. For your three I will get fit.

In need of a magic wand

After being unable to go to any classes yesterday (doctor's for daughter) thought I ought to do two classes today. Well, failed miserably and only managed one: aerobics. And today teacher decided to do my least favourite exercise (bar sit ups, planks etc lol): the dreaded step: tis fine the basic stepping on and off but when she incorporate fancy turns, jumps and alternating left, rights, forward etc I get completely lost. Well, I suppose it is still exercise. But I so wish someone could wave a magic wand and banish forever the negativity which keeps on creeping up. I try my best and attempt to put in place all i am learning: putting nasty thoughts on leaf and letting them float away, telling myself I am here trying, reminding myself of positive things such as I am tackling my mind and body issues. If only it was this simple.
that it where the magic wand comes in: if someone could wave it over my head and change me overnight it would be amazing
I hate the fact that yet again, for the millionth time I am incapable writing a positive blog. I hate the fact that the nasty thoughts do flutter away for only a few seconds and not for hours and days at a time.
I know I am getting better. I no longer feel crap 24/7 and the negativity only comes in a few times in the day. But I just want to make sure that it is the therapy that is doing this and not the happy pills.
What if it is just the happy pills that are helping?? I think the therapy has helped and most of the time I think of it as a positive step, but occasionally there is still that thought: am I wasting NHS resources? am I wasting the GP's time, therapist's time.... I know I am not. I know I know I know. Maybe if I say it enough time I will believe it 100% rather that 60%.
It might take me 6 months to be able to be positive again, but I want and must get there if I want to regain my sanity.
The three most important people in my life deserve a happy me.
:)
:)

oh yes!!

Had to drag myself to boxercise today as I was feeling stiff, tired and crampy, but really  chuffed I did it. As ever, very hard work but very worth while: punches, squats, sit-ups, planks, running planks (whilst in plank position make your feet run), more punches etc... really wakes you up and gives you energy. Great teacher is always a plus. Now ready to tackle the day head on. And on the few occasions when not so nice thoughts entered my head I tried to put in place the "leaf on the river" idea Mr T my head-fixer gave me. 5 more sessions in theory but I am hoping for more as I want to be able to go it alone next year. 2012 needs to be pill free and shrink free although I don't know if once you have seen counselor, therapist, shrink or other mind-doctor you need them for life. One shall see what the future holds. 2012 will be when my hubby and I celebrate 15 years of marriage and I hope to celebrate as many more as possible so I am relying on the wonderful NHS employees to fix me. Thank god for the NHS!!
Now, what exercise shall I do tomorrow?

sun is shinning

Blue sky, sun and shopping and lunch with my 8 year old has cheered me up, and I am so excited for I have finally found what I have been looking for: a jam funnel. yep, not exactly a De Beers diamond, but as a regular jam-maker I needed one and it has made my day. How sad is that :)
Spot of pampering now I think
x

Thoughts, thoughts, go away, come again some other day ....

Or preferably don't come back at all.

Must read through notes taken during last 7 session with Mr T and do homework and try and put in place everything I learned so far. Oops, just realised I have already broken one rule: not using the word "must" but replacing it with the phrase "I would like to...". Well that's a good start to the day then. I will attempt to dissipate the black clouds currently hovering my head.

Had lovely relaxing evening yesterday, children and hubby had pizza (never fails when your son has friend over for a sleepover) and I had jacket potato. (yawn yawn, I know), I love to see my children happy and with son having fun with his friend and daughter watching a Disney film, all was quiet in our household. Finished off evening reading in bed in comfortable companionship with hubby. bliss.

Agenda today. like so many parents out there: taking child to activity, shopping with same child for new clothes (stop growing miss muffet will you lol) and then housework...

This therapy business is constantly in my mind, nearly every action is thought out with "is this what I should be doing, am I following the rules, am I doing what is expected of me by Mr T?" . Strange.

Think I might need to do boxing on wii fit today.

toodle doo x

To post picture or not ? to post weight or not? I think possibly not, no need to further humiliate oneself lol

More Therapy, and more exerise

Exercise so far this week: Yoga, Aerobic (flipping hard work) and Zumba (even harder as still recovering from aerobic lol) . Verdict: in a weird punishing kind of way it is actually fairly enjoyable, at least then end is when you get home and have a shower. Altough there are times during those lessons when it can be a bit soul destroying, most of it is actually beneficial for the mind and there is some sense of achievement at then end of the hour. There will always be the really annoying person there who seems intent on showing off by doing even more than the teacher, but most people seem to be friendly. It is a bit off putting that most participants are fit, healthy and slim, in fact I think I am the only fat and frumpy one at most of the lessons, but I will persevere and hope to be part of the thin elite within the next year. :)

Well, Therapy session number 7 yesterday. Poor bloke probably would have preferred not having sessions that afternoon as he had just been in  car accident, but to his credit he didn't cancel, didn't moan, and listened to my poor demented talk and moans. Felt guilty about taking his time that afternoon, but as usual after one week I needed hour long session. Less talk this time though as he is trying to teach me copping mechanisms, one of which seems to be learning to listen to your body. In a kind of Yoga, zen like kind of way. Very very weird as it is soooo difficult: Describing where the pain is, what it feels like and using imigary is very very hard. So  I now need to return t yoga or pilates to try and improve listening and feeling my body just with the mind. I think I might need to rope in the help of my friend C. for a few private yoga lessons.

Got to stick to all my homework, including a new piece (no rest for the deranged) (or wicked, or doo-lali, pick your word): when I have negative thoughts, I have to picture putting that hurtful self destructing name calling on a leaf, put in on the flowing river and let the word or thought float away. Quite Poetic really.

Funny thing is all this therapy business has made me want to re-discover two things I loved as a teenager and haven't read or studied since secondary school: Philosophy and poetry: Sartre, Kant, Dubelay, Rousseau, Ronsard, Lamartine, Primo Levi, Socrates, Descartes....

So, better get my thinking brain back in gear to digest the above!

Looking forward to Boxercise on Sunday, but most of all looking forward to time with hubby and children, just chilling with not a care in the world xx

Evil spirit versus Good spirit

Need explain the mind of someone who lacks self confidence, and who is trying to sort themselves out. It is so difficult conveying to others what goes on in one's mind. It is so hard explaining to people of sane body and sane mind the going-ons of the mind of those whose sense of self worth has been so dashed that they feel it will take them years to learn coping techniques and how to re-wire their brain, The best way of doing this is using the analogy of the evil vs good spirit. You know, when you are watching something on TV, usually a cartoon, and the main character is torn between two decisions, and up pops up the devil on one side of the character and an angel on the other side, each one tugging at the characters thoughts, the evil one goading him to take the wrong decision and the angel encouraging the right decision??

Well that is pretty much what goes on in some of our minds. As an example: one will be at an exercise class, (boxercise for example lol) and full of energy and good intentions. All starts of well, you do the required warm up exercises, you do the require sparring routine. and the teacher asks for another form of exercise. And she says "don't worry if you can't do this, do that instead". So you think OK, that is fine. And you try the difficult exercises first, find you can't do it so do the easier one. And then up pops "evil side". and evil side takes over and talks to you

- Evil spirit: "well it was obvious wasn't it, you *** **** *** what did you expect".
And so you try and combat it by using techniques you might have learned in therapy ? and you tell yourself :
 - : "yes but I am here , I am trying!"
To which evil side answers back
  - "yeah right".
And then you tell yourself:
 -  "listen, what did Mr T, Mr GP and your friends say?have they been negative? or have they been amazingly supportive?? they are supportive aren't they? and say the admire you for doing this, don't they??"
 - " yeah yeah yeah, fact is though you can't do this exercise can you, why do you waste everyone's time"
- "i am not wasting others' time, I can do this, I can I can "
- "well, we shall see the, see if yet again you fail fail fail and are all talk and no action"
.........

That is just a small insight in the mind of some people. Good news though is that the Evil spirit seem to be slightly less present, isn't there 24/7, but only make a few daily appearances, maybe only 2/3 times a day as opposed to 10/20 times a day. So I guess there is hope for all those whose minds are screwed up.

Paranoia and self put-me-downs are the hardest to combat but it sometimes seems as though they are uncontrollable.. And yet.... I really think there might be hope. Wish I could say for sure that minds can be mended, but am still thinking "minds might conceivably me mended"

Aerobics this morning. And more therapy this afternoon. Only a few more session. And GP appt in 6 weeks, I know he will want to take me off "happy pills". I know I need to cope without as he mentioned in 1st consultation that the max he wants his patients to take them is 1 year. And it is coming up to 9 months.

Wondering what the future holds.

Wondering what the session with Mr T. will be like today.

Thank you to all those who sent me e-mails of support xx you make this easier and you help banish the "evil spirit"

xx

Boxercise

Well, now in the routine of doing boxercise class every Sunday morning from 10 to 11am. It feels good to punch, swing arms and punch some more. But boy oh boy is it hard work. Loads of running, step exercise included in the routine as well as sit ups in their 100s and after 1 hour I am exhausted. Everyone so nice though and of course no mirrors so less chance of seeing one's flab jiggling around. Really supportive teacher, small class and friendly pupils helps. But yet again the dreaded welling up when  I can't do something. Re-learning a new way of thinking and looking at things after 25 years of self beating up doesn't get cured in just 6 weeks. And yet.......... instead of beating myself up for 60minutes I must have only have spent 10 mn feeling sorry for myself and feeling like sh*t so I guess I am making progress. I guess therapy does work. Only 6 more session of therapy, to 6 weeks for get my brain re-wired.
Anyway, exercise schedule for the week, assuming no sick kids: Monday: pilates, Tuesday: zumba, Wedn: yoga (40mn only), Thursday aerobic, Saturday rest and Sunday boxercise. All of that should burn a few calories I hope.
Now off for well deserved shower and a spot of pampering I think.
Bonne journee, have a lovely day fellow bloggers :)

Should be a good day

Friday! only one more day till the weekend. Looking forward to quite a few things today: Tea with good friend, Zumba with really cheerful and fun teacher, and then tonight Sushi with a dozen friends and which will be prepared by a lovely Japanese lady. yum (and healthy too!). Look forward to a fun evening and I will be good and stay off the alcohol (too many calories).

In quite a bright mood today. Therapy helped yesterday, really needed it, and was told by Mr. T, after seeing me in tears (for a change lol) and rather on edge that therapy can be 2 steps forward and 1 step back or even 1 step forward and 2 steps back. Mind you at the beginning of the session I thought I might be back to square one, but after one hour felt sooooooooo much better. An intense session and far too much to go into but the summary of it would be: take a positive spin on things: the fact that I felt so awful after abs session at gym yesterday isn't a bad thing as I have now established that I don't like it and can rule it out as part of the exercise. So next Thursday I shall only do the aerobic classes on Thursday which I know I enjoy. Also been given more tasks to do: 1- I have to try and not use the words "must, should and ought to" but instead use the phrase "I would like to...." . So replace "I must go to the gym" with "I would like to go to the gym. I then have to do three different scales, on top of thought diary, food diary etc, and write down when I feel the following emotions: anger, feeling down, guilt, and give them a mark of 0-10.

But the biggest thing which I took out of the session, and the one which I will struggle the most with is the "allow exceptions" rule. So if I miss a gym session or give in and have a chocolate bar between meals because I just can't help it and give in to feeling crap, it is not the end of the world. And that is were I will struggle because if I do those things I always feel guilt, shame, a failure.

Come on Brain, take it all in and sort me out please! :)

Mr T always want me to set an agenda, and I already have one for next week: coping with parent's visit. this should be fun and interesting. NOT. (OK, let me clarify that: not fun but should be interesting)

Will report back in a few days with exercise and food diary outcomes. Trousers are beginning to feel looser. Hooray!!

have a lovely day, whoever reads this,

Isabelle

have to write - either that or eat - so writing it is

Thursdays morning should be 30mn class of abs and 60mn of aerobics. Except that his morning the abs class was incredibly difficult, couldn't do most of the exercices so I have had to come home to shed tears rather than make a fool of myself at aerobics. Had to force myself to drive past shop and not stop to get chocolate bar and now writing to stop me from reaching from the going into the kitchen and stuffing myself. Lucky it is therapy day today as I really need it. Got to now. Not going near the food though, instead heading for shower and then a quick pamper session I think and see if that stops the tears from rolling down.

Tomorrow is another day, and I will try my best to update with a positive blog. I will, I will,I will

more CBT but also Friends as Therapists

As usual an emotionally charged week. More therapy and another GP appointment. Better start in chronological order I guess. Thursday in Therapy day. Now been seeing Mr T. for 5 weeks and I am now embarking on the actually therapy stage as opposed to what has so far been evaluation of my emotional issues, their root, the reasons for my feeling the way I feel. So I now have tasks which Mr T. wants me to do:

1-     Do a food diary. Sounds obvious, but I have to be ruthlessly honest and more importantly tie in with emotional state of mind and mood diary (task 2 – see below). Idea being to see in writing the correlation of over eating and comfort eating and its triggers. End goal being, of course, to get rid of those triggers and therefore break the cycle of feeling crap, eating, feeling even more crap for having eaten and therefore comfort eating more etc…

2-     Thoughts Diary: This form has been around for about 30 years apparently and the idea is as follows: every hour, you have to write down what you did in that hour (rough summary: cooking, driving, exercising etc) and then allocating a mark out of 10 for: Connectivity with self or others during that hour, Achievement for that hour (could be exercising or healthy eating) and Pleasure felt during that hour. For each of those you give a rating out of 10 with 10/10 being the most connected, achieved etc and 0 being no connection etc…. and the possibility of rating a negative number if really bad

3-     Rewarding myself: every time I go to the exercise I need to reward myself, not with food obviously, by treating myself to magazine or painting my nails or something else which I feel will make me happy

4-     Worry diary: never done this before and the premise is as follows: if I have a worry, I mustn’t let it get on top of me but I jot down what worries me and at specific times in the day I sit down, look at this worry diary and expand on those worries and classify them as “something I can do about it” and “nothing I can do about it. So I can do something about my weight but I can’t change the weather for example

So this is what I have been doing and it is a real eye opener as to the realisation of how much I do which actually derives no pleasure and achieves nothing at all such as being glued to the TV for hours on end.

As usual session was very hard but nevertheless felt good and felt as though I am finally achieving something.

On the exercise front I have been a good girl this week: Zumba, boxercise, long walk. And on the eating from I have been super good, replacing things such as vinaigrette with yogurt dressing etc… and I believe that the pounds are now beginning to fall off.

Couple more things: GP appointment on Monday - to renew antidepressants – was emotional (as usual) but he is so supportive and did say he believes that I can achieve the end goal of being of sane body and sane mind. However, I have pledge to lose a minimum of 4 kg (his wish) and up to 8kg (my wish) by the next time I see him in 2 months.

Lastly I am indebted to my friends for being so supportive and letting me bore them to tears. A big special thank you to the two girls to whom I was able to pour my heart out at Café Nero this morning. Thank you girls.

Friends really are a lifeline.

And as the therapy progresses I hope to see this blog becoming far more positive.

x