Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Mozart and Therapy

High time to update blog after latest therapy session which has to be one of the strangest and surreal experiences I have had in a long time. Where does Mozart fit into this? simply that to make the day enjoyable and relaxing and alleviate the boredom of housework, housework and more housework to make the house more presentable I have been listening to a collection of his Arias. And of course whilst writing this blog more Mozart in the background. So pleased that a few years back I was given his complete works. Beauty personified.
Back to latest therapy session. Tackling social anxiety. Amazing the little things one does to avoid having to converse with others: texting, reading (or pretending to), sudoku, staying in car until last minute ..... the list goes on and on. The funny thing about CBT is that there is a weird situation whereby you have to do most of the talking and yet......... with very few words the therapist seems to come out with amazing observations that you would never otherwise have thought of. The other bizarre thing is the huge variances in the nature of the session: one will be fairly easy and you just talk and talk. and think, "yep, this is it, I could quit now and be fine". and then the next one comes along and "bam" you realise that actually you are now quite there yet. Raw emotions come out of nowhere when you least expect them. Can't pin point why.
so why the weirdness of latest session? because of an experiment where Mr T does the talking, but "my way" ie without looking at me the way I don't look at him when I waffle on. And that 5mn experiment was such a staggering eye opener. Never in a million years would I have guessed the sense of unease that would unleash. I have thought about this umpteen times in the last 24 hours as to what this sensation can best be described. A complete melting pot of completely contradictory emotions: shame, unease, light bulb moment, awe, OMG feeling, bewilderment, "how could I have let this go one for so long" feeling, thankfulness, sadness, awareness, .......... so difficult to put into words those 5mn felt like ........ and trying to find an explanation as to why avoiding the gaze of not just Mr T but those in playground, daughter's activity clubs, and of course the gym centre etc is just the easiest solution. Not having to be aware of "the look" is so much easier that being aware of it. And of course "the look" might well be imagined. and by " the look" I mean that of contempt, pity (in it's worst meaning)....... "the look" of  "boy must this person be....... and boy is she........... (fill in the blanks with any negative descriptive, they will do. And of course "sane" people will tell you that it is all in the imagination and that even if the minority do think that way, so what?? it is their problem. But in the paranoid mind of so many "the look" is real.
And so you just avoid it. And of course now the hardest work starts: learning to confront those feelings. Which means that I need to learn to NOT avoid contact. Need in the few therapy session left to be able to talk to Mr T as opposed to the blinking wall, floor etc...... And give considerable more thought as to how I am going to tell him all those feelings that flooded my brain in those closing minutes of the session. Try and explain the oddity and contradictory emotions that flowed, (and still are as I am writing this) that go through the mind.
Enough about Therapy. and enough blogging for today. Need to focus on positives. So on a parting note thank you to all my friends for a lovely day in London last weekend, you are all amazing girls!! xx

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