blah blah blah

A mish mash of just thoughts which have gone through my head over last few days.

Today would have been therapy day and therapy not ended, as it had gone twice monthly as opposed to weekly. But now, and I realise I have already harped on about this, I need to rely on myself to get well. And books. And friends. (until they get bored lol). Feels a bit strange to not have a one to one meeting after months and months of therapy. Still, tis a good thing I suppose as it means that I should have tools to not need any more one to one counselling. Yep, it is a good thing. it really is :)

Been a good girl this week: been exercising 5 days out of 7, healthy eating (keeping log of food eaten and calorie counting), and feeling OK.

Just so hard some days. No more excuse to feel down so when bad days come (far fewer than before which is very positive, I realise) there still remains a sense of failing oneself, failing friends, family etc....

When the weight loss stalls the sense of shame prevails over that of pride that stamina and fitness is improving. Weight is visible to all of course, whereas stamina, fitness and mental well being is invisible. So to the outsider it might seem as no progress in happening. I know it is, just want the rest of the world to know. Because if no one else knows then that means, on bad days, that I have let all my friends and family down. BUT, on good days (maybe 4 or  out of 7??) I am now able to focus on the invisible, I can focus on the fact that I am on the road to recovery. (sounds so cliche doesn't it?)

Ah well, might go for walk tomorrow as not too keen on the classes on offer on Wednesdays. note to self: make it a mindful walk. (be aware of body, sounds blah blah bah.....) (blah blah is not negative, just far to long a list to mention everything)

oh yes, I also need to do a "eating a raisin in a mindful way" !!! Will report back on this fun exercise in a few days.

Well, I really am a barrel of laughs today, aren't I?? Think I need to add some jokes to make this a bit less tedious !!

take care each and everyone

snipets of wisdom??

OK, these might be meaningless to many who are happy go lucky. But I am adding them to remind myself of their value. Onwards and upwards. And if the previous post taken from Lady Chatterley's lover could be seen as gloomy I don't think they are. So I am not being miserable, I and endeavouring to change my outlook by using CBT mechanisms and techniques. Hey ho, who said life was boring ;)
"Do not let your feelings lie to you"
"you are being bullied by your [negative] emotions"  (try not to allow this)
"experience the emotion but don't let it affect your eating and activity plan"
"you are in charge of your plans, not your feeling"

By gum, I feel as if I am ready to write a book. Except I  might be sued for plagiarism. Best leave writing to the pros I guess!

On a happy note, had lovely cuppa in lovely company this morning. And back to aerobics tomorrow. Hooray!! (honest, I'm not being sarcastic) (really!) (you will note though that the hooray is mostly lower case, when I start writing it in upper case I will know I truly truly truly mean it rather than just mean it xx)

Opening words of Lady Chatterley's Lover

The cataclysm has happened, we are among the ruins, we start to build up new little habits, to have new little hopes. It is rather hard work: there is now no smooth road into the future: but we go round, or scramble over the obstacles. We've got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen.

DH Lawrence

Last CBT session...

Well, this is it. After 20 sessions which were mostly weekly but occasionally fortnightly, the end has come. Not sure whether "end" is the right word mind you, I suppose "beginning" might be more appropriate. Yes, therapy has ended, but that means the start of being my own therapist, the start of putting into practise all the methods that I have learned over the last few months. It means no longer relying on a health professional but relying on me, myself and I. Thankfully I not only have all the notes that I took during the sessions but also some fantastic books which were recommended to me and which are mostly CBT based. I have to acknowledge the professionalism and dedication of Mr T. A previous short spell of counselling a few years back were not particularly successful due to my complete lack of connection with the counsellor whom I felt was cold, withdrawn and uninterested and who tried to put word into my mouth. Mr T, however, has never done this, and for me there does need to be a certain amount of connection with the therapist as well as complete trust, the same that you should have for your GP. The good news where I am concerned is that there is a 3 month checkup should I need it, and also the possibility of renewing the sessions a few months down the road should depression and or social anxiety rear its ugly head again. But that, I hope, won't happen. I would like to think that 20 hours of therapy have been sufficient in making me healthy person mentally. I now possess all the tools needed to conquer my fears, uncertainties, lack of confidence... the rest is up to me. Being able to confide your deepest fears and real self to someone has been useful. Friends and family are of course great, but they shouldn't have to be forced into listening to your woes, and of course some issues are too deep seated to be able to explain to anyone other than a professional. Anyway, enough about therapy, it is the future that now counts, and only one person can change my future: me: I am the now who now needs to go to the gym, eat healthily, and be aware of the functioning of my brain. I am the one who needs to listen to my body and, should I feel the darkness beginning to reappear in my life, I am the one who will need to take the necessary actions to stop it. I have the tools, I just need the strength now.

Onwards and upwards: new body, new mind, new career. All of these lie ahead. I can't wait. I think. I hope.