Happy days, cycling, and of course Mindfulness

Happy days: for some reason I have had an amazing week. Long cycle along a beautiful river with fabulous children and hubby was bliss, enjoyable, fun, enjoyable. Hadn't been on a bike ride in months and had forgotten how fabulous it can be. Admittedly I found the ride far easier that I would have has a year ago when I was not just down the dumps mentally but also larger and less fit that I am. (still fat but not as fat lol). What a difference a year makes. Strike that, what a difference a few months make. This week I have truly enjoyed my children's company, I have truly enjoyed cooking, eating, reading and even enjoyed, (well, not hated) cleaning the house!!! Blimey, the changes are happening!! Finally, finally.... I feel like a different person. Still have bad days of course, still have moments when self doubt and name calling happen, but just BEING AWARE of this makes the different. Name calling is no longer happening 10 times a day. It might happen once a day but when it happens I can now say to myself : "you have just called yourself this, do you really believe it? is it reality or just a passing thought? why have you called yourself this name? is there a reason .."

All this because of MINDFULNESS!!!!! This is my new pet word. my mantra. I can feel mindfulness changing my life. Would I have been able to practise mindfulness without CBT. Absolutely no way. Would I have been able to do CBT without happy pills. Absolutely no way. So thanks to GP for giving me anti-depressants for helping me do cbt for helping me do mindfulness. Phew. "Mindfulness is the awareness that arises from paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, non judgmentally, to things as they are". "Mindfulness is intentional, non judgemental, experimental". (both these quotes are from Mindfulness through Depression).

Leave you with a poem by R.S.Thomas, The Bright Field

I have seen the sun break through
to illuminate a small field
for a while, and gone my way
and forgotten about it. But that was the pearl
of great price, the one field that had
the treasure in it. I realise now
that I must give all that I have
to possess it.......

Mindfulness, soothing voices, beautiful poems...

As promised I have started afresh. Back to week 1 of the mindfulness course I talked about earlier. How restful, how peaceful, how amazing.

Last week I had a catch up session with Mr T who conducted a 30mn one on one mindfulness exercise. During that half hour he said something that stuck with me: try and delay reacting to your sensations. (except he said it better than that). in other words, and this is my interpretation of it, if during the body scan or other meditation session you are doing, you feel an itch for example, then don't scratch. Just feel the sensation, feel the tingling but wait before reacting to it. It may well go away. And of course if does! I suppose this idea behind this, and again this is my own interpretation of this, is that if you can wait a while before scratching your nose, cracking your knuckles, stretching your neck, then maybe you can wait a while before losing your rag if you break something, you can delay getting overtly upset if someone ignores you and instead you can think about the incident and give it some thought: is it such a big deal that I broke a plate? If my friend turned down my offer of a cuppa is it really because she hates me or is it because she is really busy??

The poet Roger Keyes (just discovered a poem by him in another book about mindfulness) writes “Hokusai says pay attention, notice, He says keep looking, stay Curious, He says there is no end to seeing”

The last 30mn of the session with Mr T was trying to put into words what doing that meditation practice was like. Hard to put into words really. The hardest part is the acceptance. Acceptance of who you are, of how you feel, how you react… Not being judgmental. Mindfulness seems to be about acceptance.

Not being judgmental!! Hard, hard, hard and seemingly impossible.

Would love to find a Mindfulness group in my area but they still seem few and few between.

I understand the concept of mindfulness. I think. I have started reading a second book about it entitled “Mindfulness a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world”. Again I find the idea so appealing. I understand the idea that Mindfulness is non-judgemental. I understand the idea that “our thoughts are passing mental events and not reality itself”. I understand the idea that you should “bring a spirit of gentleness, kindness and compassion to ourselves”. I understand the IDEA…. But understanding a idea is not necessarily an ability to put it into practice.

The next few weeks will be filled with following the CD mindfulness exercise. The step after that is finding a job so as to have the available funds to pay for a proper Mindfulness course run by an actual human being rather that a voice on a CD no matter how soothing that voice may be.

Really feeling a new found optimism.

I will leave you with a few more words from the poem “Hokusai Says” by Roger Keyes.

“It matter that you care.

It matters that you feel

It matters that you notice

…..

Don’t be afraid.

Look, feel. Let live take you by the hand.

Let life live through you.”